"If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf." Bob Hope
"Ninety percent of this game is half mental." Yogi Berra Baseball
"Baseball hasn't forgotten me. I go to a lot of old-timers games and I haven't lost a thing. I sit in the bullpen and let people throw things at me. Just like old times." Bob Uecker
"Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent." Dave Barry Football
“I guess you heard about this; the U.S. Olympic Committee is coming under fire after it was revealed that the uniforms for Team USA to be worn in the opening ceremony were made in China. Turns out they were made by some of the same kids who could beat us in gymnastics. That’s the worst part.” Jay Leno
“Have you seen the Olympic uniforms? It’s for the American Olympic team and it’s berets. To me, nothing says America like a guy in a beret. Look at our founding fathers, they all wore berets.” David Letterman
"Well, it took me 17 years to get 3,000 hits in baseball, and I did it in one afternoon on the golf course." Hank Aaron Baseball
"Golf is a funny game. It's done much for health, and at the same time has ruined people by robbing them of their peace of mind. Look at me, I'm the healthiest idiot in the world." Bob Hope
"Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence." Erma Bombeck Football
"We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play." Pat Williams Baseball
On boxing: "It's strange, two guys in shorts competing for a belt. They should, at least, award them slacks or a shirt." Jerry Seinfeld
"They say that nobody is perfect. Then they tell you practice makes perfect. I wish they'd make up their minds." Wilt Chamberlain Basketball
"You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something." Mitch Hedberg
"Golf is my real profession. Entertainment is just a sideline. I tell jokes to pay my greens fees." Bob Hope
About golf - "The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you." Phyllis Diller
"Winning doesn't really matter as long as you win" Vinny Jones Soccer
"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how god I get, I'll never be as good as a wall." Mitch Hedberg
"The way to catch a knuckleball is to wait until it stops rolling and then pick it up." Bob Uecker
“I love the Olympics, because they enable people from all over the world to come together and--regardless of their political or cultural differences--accuse each other of cheating.” Dave Barry
"Most football players are temperamental. That's 90 percent temper and 10 percent mental." Doug Plank Football
“Well, Harry Reid and other members of congress, they’re just furious over this Olympic uniform deal. He says we should burn the uniforms, and it’s an embarrassment and a disgrace. Not as embarrassing as congress constantly borrowing money from the Chinese, but still embarrassing.” Jay Leno
"I haven't been able to slam-dunk the basketball for the past five years. Or, for the thirty-eight years before that, either." Dave Barry Basketball
"I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out." Rodney Dangerfield
"If winning isn't everything, why do they keep score?" Vince Lombardi Football
"Little League baseball is a very good thing because it keeps the parents off the streets." Yogi Berra Baseball
“I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. Its a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” Craig Ferguson
"The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise." Jerry Seinfeld
"If you think golf is relaxing, you're not playing it right." Bob Hope
"We have a great bunch of outside shooters. Unfortunately, all our games are played indoors." Weldon Drew Basketball
"The reason women don't play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public." Phyllis Diller Football
"If you make every game a life and death proposition, you're going to have problems. For one thing, you'll be dead a lot." Dean Smith Basketball
"The invention of basketball was not an accident.It was developed to meet a need. Those boys simply would not play “Drop the Handkerchief.” James Naismith Basketball
“Mitt Romney will travel to London where he will attend the Olympics opening ceremony . Of course it’s going ot be weird when they’re announcing all the countries, and he’s like ‘Got a bank account there, got one there, two bank accounts there.” Jimmy Fallon
"Anybody with ability can play in the big leagues. But to be able to trick people year in and year out the way I did, I think that was a much greater feat." Bob Uecker
About skiing: "I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge." Bill Engvall
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