All of the jokes on this page are quotes from Mitch Hedberg
"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it."
"I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too."
"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that."
"Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!"
"An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an 'Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order' sign, just 'Escalator Temporarily Stairs...sorry for the convenience.'"
"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later."
"I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something."
"I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific."
"Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. 'Tom's gone!' 'Is he a magician?' 'No.' 'Then let's print up some flyers!'"
"Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out flyers. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it’s kinda like they’re saying, 'Here—you throw this away.'"
"I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long."
"My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set."
"My fake plants died, because I did not pretend to water them."
"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall."
"Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show."
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Mitch Hedberg February 24, 1968 – March 29, 2005
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