Did you know that if all of the smokers were laid end-to-end around the world, three-quarters of them would drown?

A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here."

A defendant was asked if he wanted a bench trial or a jury trial. "Jury trial," the defendant replied. "Do you understand the difference?" asked the judge. "Sure," replied the defendant, "That's where twelve ignorant people decide my fate instead of one."

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "$50.00 for three questions," replied the lawyer. "Isn't that kinda steep?", asked the man while dolling out the $50.00. "Yes," answered the lawyer, "what's your third question?"

What's another word for thesaurus?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Why do steam irons have a permanent press setting?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to teflon, how do they make teflon stick to the pan?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

Painting the bathroom on your day off ........ $29

New bathtub..................................... $800

Replace pants covered in paint.................. $19

Watering the front yard and flowers, standing in the front of the house waving as friends drive by(while the first coat of paint dries)................................$10

Realizing after coming in the house that you still have a shower cap on your head.....priceless

Note: The person who submitted this quip stated that this was not made up, it really happend to her.