All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

In an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

Money isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

If you think there is good in everybody then you obviously haven't met everybody.

All power corrupts. Absolute power is pretty neat, though.

You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it.

Take everything in moderation. Including moderation.

There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know.

Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.

I don't want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon.

There is no "I" in "Team", but there are four in "Platitude-Quoting Idiot".

Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right.