The longest sentence known to man: "I do."

Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?

Why was man created before woman? Because you always need a rough draft before the final copy.

I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.

What are 3 words you never wanna hear while making love? Honey, I'm home!