For more late night humor check out Funny Late Night Quotes From 2011 | Funny Late Night Quotes From 2012

Top Ten Things a Candidate Shouldn't Say During a Presidential Debate

10. "Yeah, I killed a guy."

9. "50 states? When did Puerto Rico get in?"

8. "Can you repeat the question? I was thinking about cookies."

7. "If elected, my cabinet will feature at least three Kardashians."

6. "I don't know a damn thing about the economy, but I do know this: Chaz Bono dances like an angel."

5. "Can anyone beat Angry Birds, Level 16? I can't kill the pig with the mustache."

4. It's-a-not-so bad, it's-a nice-a place — Ah, shaddup you face."

3. "Hey, Republican spelled backwards is "Nacilbuper"."

2. "As my good friend Osama bin Laden once said . . ."

1. "Senior citizens can bite my a**."

For more late night humor check out Funny Late Night Quotes From 2011 | Funny Late Night Quotes From 2012

Top Ten Ways The United States Postal Service Can Turn Things Around

10. "Change name to UPS."

9. "Invent a stamp that licks back."

8. "Add wacky sound effects for mailboxes."

7. "Alter mail trucks to look like Millennium Falcon from "Star Wars"."

6. "If your letter isn't delivered in 30 minutes or less, it's free."

5. "Bedazzled uniforms"

4. "New hit reality show: "Real Mailmen of New Jersey"."

3. "Customers can now pay with gas or grass."

2. "Take the Packers and give three and a half tomorrow night."

1. "Ten cent surcharge to deliver my hate mail — you'll make millions."

Top Ten President Obama Labor Day Weekend Plans


10. "Unwind after his two-week vacation."

9. "A backyard barbecue with the guy who forged his birth certificate."

8. "Flip through Gadhafi's sexy photos of Condi."

7. "Resist cigarette cravings by chewing on charcoal briquettes."

6. "Hire goons to rough up Mitt Romney."

5. "Grill up some of Michelle's delicious kale paste."

4. "Update his resume"

3. "Hillbilly Handfishin"

2. "Pretty much whatever the Republicans tell him he can do."

1. "Sit around bonfire reading scary passages from Dick Cheney's memoir."

For more late night humor check out Funny Late Night Quotes From 2011 | Funny Late Night Quotes From 2012

"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby." Natalie Wood

"When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason." Molly McGee

"Is there a cure for a broken heart? Only time can heal your broken heart, just as time can heal his broken arms and legs." Miss Piggy

"I think...therefore, I'm single." Lizz Winstead

"The trouble with women is that they get all excited about nothing...and then marry him! " Cher

"I wouldn't be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife." Tony Curtis

"In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker." Woody Allen

"The secret of a successful marriage is not to be at home too much." Colin Chapman

"I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern." Mickey Rooney

"My computer dating bureau came up with a perfect gentleman. Still, I've got another three goes." Sally Poplin

For more funny relationship quotes check out Funny Marriage Quotes

An officer is running radar to catch speeders on a rural highway. A young driver in a brand new sports car speeds by doing 60 mph in a 45 mph zone. The officer chases the driver down, pulls the young man over and explains the violation.

The driver becomes very beligerant telling the officer his badge did not mean any thing. The driver tells the officer to go ahead and write the ticket because his father knows people that will make the ticket "go away".

While the officer completes the ticket the driver continues his barrage of insults.

Without flinching the officer completes the ticket and hands the driver his copy.

The driver looks at his copy and becomes very agitated. The angry driver says "What the heck do you think you're doing?? I thought you said I was doing 60 in a 45 mph zone. You wrote that I was doing 95 mph in a 45 mph zone?"

The officer said, without hesitation, "60, 95, what's the difference. Your father is going to make it go away anyway. Right?"

Do you want more laughs? Check out Funny Late Night Quotes From 2012