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The first man came up to the gate and satd, "I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her". St. Peter gave him a Rolls Royce.

The next man came up and said, "I cheated on my wife a little but I still love her." He got a Chevy and drove off into heaven.

The next guy came up and said, "I cheated on my wife alot but I still loved her.". He got a motor scooter.

Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce sitting in his car and crying.

He asked, "Why are you crying you have such a nice car?!" The man sobbed, "My wife just went by on roller skates"

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She tried to keep up with traffic but they were speeding by her.

After getting caught in a large group of car's flying down the freeway she looked at her speedometer and found that she was doing 10 miles per hour over the speed limit.

Slowing down, she moved over to the right side and got out of the clump that quickly left her behind.

She looked into her rear view mirror and saw the flashing lights of a police car.

She pulled over and waited for the officer to come up to her car.

As he did he said, "Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over?"

Her son piped up from the back seat, "I know. It was because you couldn't catch the other cars!"

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Surprisingly, the ceremony went off without a hitch. No one stood up during the pause to offer a reason 'why this couple should not be married'. His reception wasn't disrupted by streakers or smoke-bombs, and the car the couple was to take on their honeymoon was in perfect working order.

When the couple arrived at their hotel and entered the room, Ron even checked for cornflakes or rice in the bed (a gag he had always loved). Nothing, it seemed, was amiss. Satisfied that they had come away unscathed, the couple fell into bed.

Upon waking, the they ravenous so Ron called down to room service and said, "I'd like to order breakfast for two."

At that moment, a voice from under the bed said, "Make that for five."

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It has come to our attention that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations, such as the following, to describe patients.

a. Cardiac patients should not be referred to as suffering from MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again).

b. Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers
to use CCFCCP(Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.

c. Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to sh*t), FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper." Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negative vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration syndrome."

d. HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glowworms."

e. Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not considered "pharmaceutically gifted."

f. Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants."

g. The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen," nor is endotracheal intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge."

h. And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "paws up," ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling the drain), DRT (dead right there) or NLPR (no long playing records). I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper narratives and log entries.

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Funny Late Night Quotes From 2011]]> Workplace Humor http://www.thejokeindex.com/funnyjokes/index.php?entry=entry121116-010056 The Joke Index fj@thejokeindex.com Fri, 16 Nov 2012 09:00:56 GMT http://www.thejokeindex.com/funnyjokes/comments.php?y=12&m=11&entry=entry121116-010056 http://www.thejokeindex.com/funnyjokes/index.php?entry=entry121116-005441
Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.

Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Please don't drive when you're not driving.

Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline.

The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. He's just not crying. Big difference!

When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine. It does not mean that is your chance to complain about the taste of the water and the salsa.

What do you mean, 'leering?' She's obstructing my view.

When I ask, 'How many guys have you slept with?' It would be much appreciated if you did not answer honestly.

When I'm turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off-ramp, saying 'Oh, this is our exit, Honey' is not really necessary.

When you're not around, I belch so loudly that I even appall myself.

The temperature in the house will be my responsibility. It will be slightly to moderately cooler than you want it.

SportsCenter starts at 10:00 P.M. and runs one hour. This is an excellent time for you to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer, or talk to your sister.

If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?

You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.

It's in neither your interest nor ours to take the Cosmo quiz together!

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Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.

Remember: "Ya'll" is singular, "All ya'll" is plural, and "All y'alls'" is plural possessive.

Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying: they can't understand you either.

Be advised that "He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.

If you hear a southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," stay out of the way. These are likely the last words he'll ever say.

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"Hey man, you just ran that red light!" the friend said.

"Don't worry, my brother does it all the time," said the driver.

They continue to drive when the guy went straight through another red light.

"You just ran another red light. You're going to get us killed!!" yelled the friend.

"Don't worry, my brother does it all the time!" the driver said.

After a while they came to a green light and the driver stopped and started looking down the cross street.

The friend asked, "Why are you stopping?"

The driver turned to the friend and said, "Because my brother might be coming!"

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Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a moment later he heard a 'clunk.' He then made a left turn and again heard a 'clunk.' Back at the shop he opened the car's trunk, and soon discovered the problem.

Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager with the notation, "Removed bowling ball from trunk".

Do you want more laughs? Check out Funny Late Night Quotes From 2011]]> http://www.thejokeindex.com/funnyjokes/index.php?entry=entry121116-003245 The Joke Index fj@thejokeindex.com Fri, 16 Nov 2012 08:32:45 GMT http://www.thejokeindex.com/funnyjokes/comments.php?y=12&m=11&entry=entry121116-003245