In a non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission"

On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."

In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

In a Cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."

In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional!"

At a diet center: "It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts!"

It's not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes.....

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

and

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:

1. Show up naked...
2. Bring Alcohol...

@ PRISON: You spend most of your time in a 10X10 cell
@ WORK: You spend most of your time in an 6X6 cubicle

@ PRISON: You get three meals a day, fully paid for
@ WORK: You get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it

@ PRISON: For good behavior, you get time off
@ WORK: For good behavior, you get more work

@ PRISON: The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you
@ WORK: You must carry a security card and open all the doors yourself

@ PRISON: You can watch TV and play games
@ WORK: You could get fired for watching TV and playing games

@ PRISON: You get your own toilet
@ WORK: You have to share the toilet with people who pee on the seat

@ PRISON: They allow your family and friends to visit
@ WORK: You aren't even supposed to speak to your family

@ PRISON: All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required
@ WORK: You pay all your own expenses to go to work and then taxes are deducted from your salary to pay for prisoners

@ PRISON: You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out
@ WORK: You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars

@ PRISON: You must deal with sadistic wardens
@ WORK: They're called 'managers'

A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure it out or how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studied the pieces for a moment, looked at the box, then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then............," he sighed, ..... "Let's put all of these frosted flakes back into the box."