You loose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Your job interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

You sincerely believe alcohol is the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case- coincidence? - You think not!

Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

You fall off the floor...

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, forget dinner!

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you and you fell asleep clothed.

Everyone in the bar says 'Hi' when you come in.

You don't recognize your wife unless you see her through bottom of glass.

That pink elephant followed you home again.

Your shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

Only In America - can pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

OIA - do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

OIA - do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a diet coke.

OIA - do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

OIA - do we leave cars worth tens of thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

OIA - do we use Caller ID to screen calls and then have Call Waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

OIA - do we buy hotdogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

OIA - do they have driveup ATM machines with Braille lettering.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that your friends are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what happened to your trousers.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose name and/or species you can't remember).

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher and smarter than some really, really big guy named Spike.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause a flux in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed at home. He wanted her to see what he went through each day, so he prayed--

"Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours of hard work, while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies". God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his spouse, woke up the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, took the dry cleaning to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw money to pay the electricity and telephone bills.

He drove to the electricity company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. By then it was already 1:00pm, so he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

He rushed to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home which he had to sort out in a gentle 'motherly' fashion. He set out cookies and milk and started the kids on their homework, then set up the ironing board and was able to watch a bit of TV while he did the ironing. By then it was 4:30pm, so he began peeling potatoes and
washed the greens for salads. He prepared the pork chops and
fresh vegetables and got everything ready in time for an early dinner.

After dinner, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9:00 pm he was exhausted and although his chores weren't finished for the day, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he
managed to get through without complaining. The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said--

"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, O please, let us trade back!"

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait 9 months though, because you got pregnant last night!!!"