A new soldier was on guard duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield.

A large black Army car drove up and a general was seated in the back. The guard said, “Halt, who goes there?”

The chauffeur, a corporal, says, “General Johnson.”

“I’m sorry, I can’t let you through. You’ve got to have a sticker on the windshield.”

The general said to the driver, “Drive on!”

The guard said, “Hold it! You really can’t come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker.”

The general repeated to the driver, “I’m telling you, son, drive on!”

The guard walked up to the rear window and said, “General, I’m new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?”

It was a dark, rainy night. A private was on his first guard duty assignment.

A General was out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?"

Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!".

The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"

The Private didn't agree, but then the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."

The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."

The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"

1. The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning.

2. For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.

3. Toys multiply to fill any space available.

4. The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it.

5. Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave.

6. The surest way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it.

7. The stickier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet.

8. Backing the car out fo the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.

Four expectant fathers were in a Minnesota hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor.

The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, you're the father of twins."

"What a coincidence!" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."

The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You, sir, are the father of triplets."

"Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence," he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down."

An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the third man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply.

"Don't tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse.

After finally regaining his composure, he said, "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."

After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.

The nurse asked, "Sir, are you all right?"

"Yes" says the man, "I'm okay, but I'm kind of worried. I work for Five Lakes Resort."