A judge called two opposing attorneys into his chambers and said "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."

Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Anderson, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Johnson, gave me $10,000."

The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to attorney Anderson and said, "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits."

A lawyer on his deathbed called out to his wife.

She rushed in and said, "What is it, darling?"

He told her to run and get the bible as fast as possible.

Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea. She ran and got it and prepared to read him his favorite verse or something of the sort.

He snatched it from her and began quickly scanning pages, his eyes darting right and left.

The wife became curious, and asked, "What are you doing, darling?"

"I'm looking for loopholes!" he shouted.

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this inventive defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"very inventive," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year in jail. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

A new lawyer, just recently out of law school, was hanging around the court hoping to pick up some court appointed business. A judge finally appointed him to handle the defense of a defendant with no money and no lawyer.

The judge said to the new lawyer, "You are to speak with the defendant in the hallway, and give him the very best advice you can."

After a few moments the new lawyer re-entered the courtroom without the defendant.

When the judge asked where the defendant was, the new lawyer replied, "You instructed me to give him the very best advice I could. He told me that he was guilty and that the prosecutor had the evidence to prove it, so I told him to disappear".