1. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

2. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

3. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

4. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

5. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

6. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

7. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

8. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

9. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

10. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

11. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

12. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

13. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never run out of material.