2010-03-11T20:05:36Z The Joke Index fj@thejokeindex.com Copyright 2010, The Joke Index fj@thejokeindex.com SPHPBLOG
At age 10...success is...cooking your own meal.

At age 12...success is...having friends.

At age 16...success is...having a drivers license.

At age 21...success is...having sex.

At age 35...success is...having money.

At age 50...success is...having money.

At age 60...success is...having sex.

At age 70...success is...having a drivers license.

At age 75...success is...having friends.

At age 80...success is...cooking your own meal.

At age 85...success is...not peeing in your pants.]]> http://www.thejokeindex.com/funnyjokes/index.php?entry=entry090228-200929 2009-03-01T00:00:00Z 2009-03-01T00:00:00Z
The Taliban asked, “Do you have water?”

The Jewish man replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $75.00”

The Taliban shouted, “Infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie! I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!”

“OK, OK” said the old Jewish man, “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.”

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead… “Your lousy brother won’t let me in without a tie!”]]> http://www.thejokeindex.com/funnyjokes/index.php?entry=entry090228-200323 2009-03-01T00:00:00Z 2009-03-01T00:00:00Z lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said,
"Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don't knock out any
windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shacked it right through the window of the
biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on
in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied.

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a
thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to
grant three wishes-I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last
one for myself."

"OK, great!" the husband said. " I want a million dollars a year for
the rest of my life." "No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.
"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.
"Consider it done." the genie replied.

"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with
a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of
money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and
said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"
"35." she replied.

"And he still believes in genies?....That's amazing!"]]> http://www.thejokeindex.com/funnyjokes/index.php?entry=entry080717-172927 2008-07-18T00:00:00Z 2008-07-18T00:00:00Z
As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed.

He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!"]]> http://www.thejokeindex.com/funnyjokes/index.php?entry=entry080625-140628 2008-06-25T00:00:00Z 2008-06-25T00:00:00Z
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.]]> http://www.thejokeindex.com/funnyjokes/index.php?entry=entry080529-221720 2008-05-30T00:00:00Z 2008-05-30T00:00:00Z
At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission"

On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."

In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

In a Cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."

In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional!"

At a diet center: "It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts!" ]]> http://www.thejokeindex.com/funnyjokes/index.php?entry=entry080524-215144 2008-05-25T00:00:00Z 2008-05-25T00:00:00Z A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes.....

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

and

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:

1. Show up naked...
2. Bring Alcohol...]]> http://www.thejokeindex.com/funnyjokes/index.php?entry=entry080521-160318 2008-05-21T00:00:00Z 2008-05-21T00:00:00Z @ WORK: You spend most of your time in an 6X6 cubicle

@ PRISON: You get three meals a day, fully paid for
@ WORK: You get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it

@ PRISON: For good behavior, you get time off
@ WORK: For good behavior, you get more work

@ PRISON: The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you
@ WORK: You must carry a security card and open all the doors yourself

@ PRISON: You can watch TV and play games
@ WORK: You could get fired for watching TV and playing games

@ PRISON: You get your own toilet
@ WORK: You have to share the toilet with people who pee on the seat

@ PRISON: They allow your family and friends to visit
@ WORK: You aren't even supposed to speak to your family

@ PRISON: All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required
@ WORK: You pay all your own expenses to go to work and then taxes are deducted from your salary to pay for prisoners

@ PRISON: You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out
@ WORK: You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars

@ PRISON: You must deal with sadistic wardens
@ WORK: They're called 'managers']]> http://www.thejokeindex.com/funnyjokes/index.php?entry=entry080519-154309 2008-05-19T00:00:00Z 2008-05-19T00:00:00Z